Sitting uncomfortably on my faux leather brown couch, George began to speak.
"I don't know what to do.
I've totally screwed up my marriage.
She is going to leave me.
I am losing my family."
His emotional torture was such that it had him physically bent.
His head tilted down.
His eyes raced from right to left.
His knee was bouncing.
The man defined the term pensive.
"What seems to be the problem?" I wondered.
"My wife. She says she doesn't love me anymore. She isn't attracted to me. She says it's over."
The words spewed out of George like an over due geyser.
Before I had an opportunity to respond, George stood and left. I didn't see George in my office after that meeting. He never came back. I did find out that his short-lived marriage ended in divorce.
We all know what it is like to fall in love—the passion.
It is like a magnet pulling two people together.
He can't stop thinking about her.
She can't stop imagining life with him.
Then something happens.
There is a fade.
Sometimes fast.
Sometimes slow.
Attraction, the same drive that brought the two together, begins to waver. Suddenly, you are falling out of love with each other.
You may break up, or you may stay together. Many couples give up on love and settle for a "connection." I have found that relying on a connection to keep a relationship together will grow increasingly bitter.
If you are in that situation, I won't lie to you and tell you everything will be okay. The truth is that your relationship is in danger. However, you can do some things to remedy the situation, but first, let's make sure you understand what attraction is.
Attraction is a natural and complicated event.
To help clients, I like to keep things simple. I present attraction as a three-legged stool.
One leg represents physical attraction. The other two represent emotional and intellectual attraction. Though each person weighs each leg's importance differently, I have never met someone who didn't need all three.
If your spouse no longer finds you attractive, you can assume one leg is so much shorter than the others that the stool of your relationship is quite wobbly.
Here are some things to consider.
#1 IT IS NOT UNCOMMON FOR COUPLES TO DEAL WITH A LACK OF ATTRACTION
Going back to George's case, if he and his wife had been open to bringing in a person like myself more quickly, I could have explained that what they were experiencing was not unusual for relationships at any stage.
That doesn't mean that going through these times isn't tough.
Whether dating, living together, or married with kids, find comfort in knowing that attraction naturally grows and wanes over time. It can also grow stronger as the years continue.
#2 ASK YOURSELF HOW IMPORTANT THE RELATIONSHIP IS TO YOU
While understanding that crests and troughs are a normal part of any relationship, that doesn't mean it is easy to fix. As George found, it can be a deal-breaker.
Now is the time for you to step back and ask, "How meaningful is this attachment to me?
I advise this step because people often stay in a relationship only because they don't want to lose it. It can be like a child who wants a toy because another child is playing with it.
Doesn't your partner deserve more than someone who is going through the motions?
I am not saying this to hurt you. I am simply trying to remind you of the crazy nature of love. It takes a lot of self-sacrifices to maintain a relationship. And love muddles our thinking.
Remember that your partner's dissatisfaction is unlikely to disappear on its own. What they do not like today, they will still not enjoy a decade from now.
Is this relationship worth making changes with and in yourself?
Is it right for you to ask your partner to make changes given your current level of commitment to the relationship?
Those are some great questions to ask yourself.
#3 UNDERSTAND WHICH LEG OF THE RELATIONSHIP STOOL IS THE PROBLEM
Is the problem physical, intellectual, emotional, or some combination thereof? To help clients learn the three words, I share with them the acronym P.I.E.
Nothing beats a relationship that is sweet as P.I.E.
I know that is a little silly, but it is also simple.
Physical issues usually deal with appearance and how a person does some things.
Is she complaining about the way you look?
Is he lamenting about your table manners?
Is she protesting about your snoring?
Is he grumbling about sex?
Intellectual issues have to do with growth.
Is he griping about how much time you watch T.V.?
Is she objecting to how much money you spend?
Is he whining about how much time you spend with old friends?
Is she deploring your stubbornness?
Emotional issues have to do with how a person makes you feel.
Is he accusing you of being too emotional?
Is she whining about a lack of attention?
Does she need a more significant show of love?
Is he irritated because you don't appreciate him?
What seems to be the problem?
#4 DECIDE IF THIS IS ABOUT YOU
Is this about an internal conflict within your partner, or is it about you, or more than likely, both?
Are you projecting your discontent about your baldness onto your partner's appearance?
Is your partner annoyed about your lack of growth while they are the one in a rut?
Is your partner testy about the distance between the two of you, when they are actually causing it?
Is this about you?
#5 CONSIDER YOUR PARTNER'S REQUEST
One of the most important reasons to be in a relationship is because we need someone to hold us true to ourselves. We need someone to be our cheerleader.
Is this request for your good, or is your partner unreasonable and vindictive?
Is your partner open to the same amount of scrutiny?
Would they make this change for you?
#6 CONSIDER THE CONSEQUENCES OF DOING NOTHING
Can the union continue if the request is unmet? Plenty of relationships I know have arguments that have been going on for decades. Would it be better if you stick it out and see what happens?
These problems rarely go away, so this brings up another question. Can you live with yourself knowing you are not meeting your partner's needs?
If your partner isn't worth the effort, what is that saying about the relationship?
Wasn't there a time when you would have done anything for her or him?
What has changed?
#7 SPEAK YOUR TRUTH
To preserve peace, people will make promises they cannot keep. That compounds rather than relieve the dilemma. Stringing someone along is dishonest and hurtful.
Own who you are and don't make commitments you cannot fulfill.
Listen carefully to your partner and then make your response. Change if you can and want to do so. Don't beat yourself up either way.
If the two of you can come to a place of compromise and continue together happily, even better.
CONCLUSION
There are no easy answers here. An attraction problem feels larger than deciding who helps the kids with homework because it is.
A lack of attraction can reduce a relationship to ruins, but it doesn't have to do so. If you both want it, and are willing to work for it, the love will return.
You have to decide what the relationship is worth.
Have a good day, all day.
Stuart
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